I started to type this as a comment reply, then thought...

[alexseanchai]

...'you know, the comments to kaberett's heartbreaking poem are probably not the place for this thought'.

Today I emailed a client. The client responded with "Thank you, Ms./Mrs. [Surname]." Which, okay. My name's Elizabeth. Stereotypical gender: obvious. And the client had no way to know either that 'Mrs.' is not an appropriate honorific for me (and never will be even if I do get married someday, because reasons) or that 'Ms.' isn't me today. Hell, half the time I don't know what gender I am at any given moment, so how can I expect anyone else to?

But...I don't want to have to answer to 'she' pronouns forever. I don't want to be Ms. [Surname]. I like being Elizabeth just fine, but. I don't expect anyone to default to 'Mx.' for a long time yet, but it'd be nice to have people wondering whether I'm a Mr. or a Ms. instead of a Ms. or a Mrs.

Y'all may notice, if you click over to alexconall profile, that I've got two middle names for my pen name. Elizabeth Alexandria Rowan Conall. (Wallet middle name, singular, begins with A but is not anything related to Alexandria.) I'd feel weird being an Alex because I know an Alex (hi kaberett), but 'Rowan' is also gender-neutral...'Rowan [Surname]' sounds hella awkward but if I liked my surname I'd publish under it. I like the sound of 'Rowan Conall', though. Even if my mom's first reaction, after she gets done with the cissexism and wtf, is going to be "I didn't think you were that much of an Anne McCaffrey fan." (No. No, I'm really not, anymore. Tent pegs, etc.)

I'd appreciate it if any of y'all who've changed your name for gender identity reasons, or who've thought about it, would go into your thought process in the comments. Because I need to put a hell of a lot of thought into this.

And any legal or otherwise meatspace part of the name change cannot of course happen till I'm out as genderqueer to my family, or as part of the coming-out process, which means not till I'm out of their house which means not for a few years yet. I've got time to think. But I do need to think.

Comments

[echan]

My first name on my birth certificate is gender neutral when spoken but has one of the common gendered spellings. My jobs, the work I do, is often done primarily via text.

I got tired of all the pronouns being applied simply because of that spelling. It was mentally tiring the feeling of the weight of all the assumptions people seemed to be making about me just because of the letters that spelled my name.

I changed my name to a gender neutral or ambiguous spelling. I kept the same pronunciation.

[alexseanchai]

nods Won't work for me, my name's too obviously gendered, but thanks.